Every Momma's Battle

To work or not to work. 

That is the question, for many momma's out there.

My answer was a waivering yes.  I am going back to work after 4 months of floating on cloud 9 in my little corner of heaven.  As of August 15th school is officially back in session and I will once again be a teacher to English Language Learners.  My schedule will be 3 1/2 days a week.  Less than half of my week...but it still makes for a heavy heart in my chest these days.

I stood on the edge of this decision fence looking down at both sides for quite some time.  There were many thoughts and prayers that pushed me across the line that led me to ultimately choose the path of a working mom.  

But that decision was made 4 months ago, and if you've been following my little blog you know that I have fallen more in love with our baby boy each day.  

So now I find myself 4 months in love, and attached to a little guy that I don't want to leave.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, I just didn't know it would be this hard. (insert Coldplay, The Scientist)

Lately I have felt God was sending me signals to remind me of the importance found in my job.  In multiple meetings and professional development trainings I have heard the message; teachers have power, we can make or break the hope and future of a child.  To many of the children that attend my school their teachers may be the only positive influence they have in their lives.  That means every word, look, action, and move I make holds the power to build up and encourage children who need it in the worst way.  Two Sundays ago our church recognized and prayed for everyone working in the schools.  It reminded me that  I have loved teaching and especially ELL, which I have done for the past 3 years.  The transformation made in my students from the beginning of the year to the end is amazing, not knowing how to speak the words to ask for help tying their shoes, to talking, reading, and laughing in broken, but proud English.  

In a school where we have had 9+ languages, I have seen my view of the world grow smaller.  My students have touched me.  So many children are robbed of their childhood, robbed of innocence, happiness, and joy.  As a teacher I have the chance to make their life a little different.  To influence.  To help them grow, make them feel special, and build their self-esteem.  I'm thankful for that.  

Knowing all of that doesn't make this easier, and I find myself asking questions that don't have a clear answer.

Yes these students need me too, but am I short changing Henry?

Will he miss me like I'll miss him?

What will I miss not be there for? His first time pulling up? Rolling over?  Speaking?

What if he ends up preferring someone else over me?

They don't know him like I know him.  How will they know what he needs?  

Looking at him this past week I often thought about how much I will miss his sweet smiles and cuddles throughout my day.  God has planted other thoughts in my head at those moments.  Maybe I am doing the right thing.  The love and attention Henry gets from me in 10 minutes is sadly more than some children get in a day.  So if I can let them know just how special they are too, I suppose my time away from him is well spent?  

He will be well cared for while I'm gone, and when I see him at the end of my work day he will get so many kisses he will have to scrub them off with a brillo pad.