Sunday, November 2, 2014

Our struggle

It started with noticing your lack of sleep.  Though 2.5 years had past since experiencing a newborns habits, something told me that you were awake far too much.  Then came the sudden awareness that you were working far too hard to make your belly feel better.  After every feeding followed grunts, screams, and pulling or tightening of the legs.  For the first two weeks I thought it was normal, every newborn is gassy and every newborn needs gas drops, every mom calls the lactation room and nursery multiple times a night to get answers.....  I expressed concern at your two week appt and was encouraged to hear that you were likely experiencing the pangs of an immature digestive system.  "Watch what you eat, no gassy broccoli or onions" etc. etc. I was told.  Yet it continued on.  Eager to nurse every 2-3 hrs your weight shot up and showed in your growing cheeks and rolls.  The only time you have ever really been happy is when you nursed or were sleeping.  So the vicious cycle became, nurse, burp, scream/cry...........I would try gas drops, walking, rocking, colic hold, bicycling legs, paci, singing, shhhhshing, swaddle but nothing made you happy.  Until finally we would nurse again to fall asleep or you would exhaust yourself into a doze. 
You're nights have been our peace.  A time when you would actually lay down to sleep without being held and would generally eat without much of a fuss, and fall back to sleep. 

Thus creating a mystery; why is my baby never happy?

I cut out dairy hoping it might make a difference, yet little change occurred.  I had made several phone calls into the nurses line at our pediatrician expressing my concern as your screams/cries became more frequent, and sounded more painful.  I heard the usual routine of tricks to try that had all been done here before, and it all had been chalked up to being nothing more than a bout of colic.

Our moment of awakening came when I noted one calm 30 min moment of blissful awake time with you as we ventured out to see some friends.  The first moment of it's kind.   Then two days later a moment of awake time where you actually calmed enough to sit and observe your world without crying, screaming or being held and we talked to you and watched as you took it all in.  It lasted 15 minutes.  Then the screams came back like a bolt of lighting.  Your Daddy and I decided, at 5 weeks old, this was not normal, this was not OK, and something had to change.

Friday we visited the doctor who decided you were battling a form of silent reflux and having lower esophageal issues.  I was told I could reintroduce dairy to my diet since we had not seen much of a change after a week of cutting it out.  We gave two doses of Zantac that day and were hopeful and praying for a change.  The next day brought more tears, screams, and agony from you than ever before.  It was non stop, sleeping for a TOTAL of 3.5 hours all day, the rest of your time was spent trying to tell us something is wrong.  After seeing blood in your diaper we made a call to the Dr. who told us it was time to come in that night, but after all of the days events you had finally fallen asleep.  We were told to keep an eye on you and come in to the office the next day.   So we are once again battling it out, testing the doctors theories and remedies, and now back to a possible dairy allergy; praying for a noticeable change, a happier baby, and a chance to get to know you. 
My darling girl, I long for you to be happy.  I know that things could be worse, and I know that we are so blessed to have you here as healthy as you are.  Nothing can quite break your heart like seeing your child in pain.  I'm sad for you on a daily basis and want to find a way to make it all go away.  It can all wear one down pretty easily but, I'm thankful that I am able to hold you, that you're not a child feeling sick and lying in a hospital but one who gets to be comforted and rocked by your mommy and daddy. 
But this is still a struggle, and it's hard not to be frustrated with it all.  I've already experienced just how quickly time passes watching a child grow up, I didn't know it could be thrown into warp speed.  These past five weeks have been too fast to take in.  I"m ready for an answer and I know you are too.  I'm ready for normal and the chance to look in your eyes and know you are happy.  I'm ready to have a second in a day to write down your little milestones, to take more pictures, to read to you, for your big brother and I to find ways to make you smile and show off that dimple.  I'm ready to watch you discover your world.  So I pray that our latest efforts are the right ones and that we're on the road to discovering life with a blissful baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

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